It COULD happen to you. . .
Just imagine your home alone. Don't worry, it's not a dark, stormy, scary night...it's just a regular DAY - during daylight hours, but I'll admit, it was a bit rainy...and you decided that you have to do a few errands, and so you collect your stuff and head towards the front door. That's when you notice the garbage pails and recycling bins you had set out the night before are now empty and sitting on your boulevard. So you re-think your exit, lock up the front door, make sure the back door is locked, and exit through the garage. You walk to your vehicle, start the car, walk to the boulevard grab the offending pails and drag them into the garage- close the garage door making sure it's locked, get into the car and off you go on your merry way.
After doing your odd jobs, and making your purchases (Cheez-Whiz and Pop-Tarts!!) you head back home. It's raining rather heavily now, and you hustle up to the front door. As you reach for the handle of the screen door your shocked to find that it doesn't open. You try again clink clink clink is all you hear. Then enlightenment falls upon you - almost as if in a flashback - you see yourself locking the screen door, and the wooden door from inside the house as you decide to exit through the garage.
First things first- you don't panic.
Everything is ok, you calmly walked to the garage door...thinking "maybe it didn't lock?" but as you stand their struggling with the handle, your quite sure that it is locked, and you glance around to see if anybody is watching your rather pathetic attempt to break into your own house.
So, you grab your grocery bag of goodies and head towards the back of the house. There's 3 more entrances back there you say to yourself, in a ridiculously positive tone.
Door #1- the other entrance to the garage, jingle jingle yup- locked.
Door #2- inside the back porch (now for those of you who have been to my house knows that this is the old front door. It's a screen door with only one of those hook and latch locks- and frankly the door is quite old) you pull on it thud it's locked. You start to panic. You pull on it again thud thud. Yea, that sucker isn't moving. For an old door with a 10 cent lock, it works pretty damn good.
So that leaves Door #3 which is more of a mythical door really. You go out into the now pouring rain into the back yard and up the stairs leading to the deck which has a set of patio doors into the master bedroom. As you race up the stairs you think of two things, 1- even if by some miracle the door isn't obstructed (see point 2) you realize that you are on the wrong side of the door to apply pressure to swing it open- as you know that sliding patio doors and the ingenious person who invented them, created the outside set to be FLUSH so that people can't break in!! You'd think they'd have some heart for the lonely occupants of the house!! And 2- you know that when your Dad meticulously combed over your house to make sure that every nook and cranny was locked down you recall him saying something about laying one of those steel-extendable-pipe-that-will-only-release-from-the-correct-side-of-the-door-thingys at some point of the door ..so only if by some miracle it's fallen from exhaustion (can inert things get exhausted?!) you know that you have a better chance of making a snowball in hell...but still it's the last possible door, so you vainly try to open it.
Now before you really panic, first you feel the need to see if any of your kooky neighbours (cuz you KNOW the freak watched the whole thing from her bathroom window- she probably filmed it and took photos too...freak!) are watching your bizarre attempts into the house. You sulk your way off the deck, down the stairs and walk back to door #2.
This has got to be the best part to enter. You start to think about how much damage a little old used front door could do- I mean, who really cares about this door? Hmm?? So you pull on it again. And you pull and pull and pull with all your might...it feels like the veins in your neck, face and forehead are about to pop.
You release the door. . . Stupid door with it's 10 cent lock that's probably so old it actually is made out of steel- - and holding on to what you hoped was water-logged-old-driftwood! You look at the hinges.. A-ha! The screws are facing you!! YEAH! Ok, so all you need is a square screw driver...which is safely tucked away in the LOCKED garage!! Ok- don't panic.
You start to pace the back porch...at least you know you've got a stash of yummy Christmas cookies in the freezer back here...and you have cans of Coke in the fridge. Thank GOD your Italian and have two sets of appliances! Back to reality..your not going to be out here that long! Besides, convientley on your key ring is a beautiful key to your sisters house that will offer you warmth and comfort...but no food as she doesn't cook and cleans out the fridge before long vacations!
You start to move some of the old paint stuff away from the back room window-- wait!-- the back room window has little cubed windows under it that open to the back room! Salvation!! You move obstacles out of your way, and wiggle one side of the window open...good! One arm, your head, and another arm...and that's it...this window is made for midgets!! Who can fit through this window?!? Why is the universe conspiring against you!? As you sit their with your chin jammed into your armpits you realize that not only are you never going to pass through here, but should you cause any stress on the frame what-so-ever the HUGE bay window above you will come crashing down. So- you stop...and remove yourself. You think about borrowing the small child from next door and pushing him through...but once you do that..he'll never reach the latch on that damn screen door! So you slide the windows shut and clean up the paint stuff you've knocked over. And that's when you see it...glowing like a vision from heaven... the plaster cowl that your brother-in-law so graciously has left in the paint supply box on your back porch.
Now, you've got a plan...stick the broom handle through the door handle to make a larger area to grab as you pull the door open as wide as you possibly can and with the cowl slide it up as close to the latch as possible then release the door pressure and force the cowl up until the latch unhooks *said in all one breath*....it should work right?!
Well, guess what! IT DID! You never heard anything so sweet as the clink when that little piece of titanium (it must be!) hits the door.
You open the door as if welcoming royalty. Your in! In is such a great place to be..you never thought you wanted to be in so badly...and yet here you are basking in the glory! Alright so that last one was just a pun..but you get the idea.
The door actually locks behind you...very cool. And you make your way into the kitchen to look at the time...from arriving home to getting inside..Lapsed time 43 minutes.
After doing your odd jobs, and making your purchases (Cheez-Whiz and Pop-Tarts!!) you head back home. It's raining rather heavily now, and you hustle up to the front door. As you reach for the handle of the screen door your shocked to find that it doesn't open. You try again clink clink clink is all you hear. Then enlightenment falls upon you - almost as if in a flashback - you see yourself locking the screen door, and the wooden door from inside the house as you decide to exit through the garage.
First things first- you don't panic.
Everything is ok, you calmly walked to the garage door...thinking "maybe it didn't lock?" but as you stand their struggling with the handle, your quite sure that it is locked, and you glance around to see if anybody is watching your rather pathetic attempt to break into your own house.
So, you grab your grocery bag of goodies and head towards the back of the house. There's 3 more entrances back there you say to yourself, in a ridiculously positive tone.
Door #1- the other entrance to the garage, jingle jingle yup- locked.
Door #2- inside the back porch (now for those of you who have been to my house knows that this is the old front door. It's a screen door with only one of those hook and latch locks- and frankly the door is quite old) you pull on it thud it's locked. You start to panic. You pull on it again thud thud. Yea, that sucker isn't moving. For an old door with a 10 cent lock, it works pretty damn good.
So that leaves Door #3 which is more of a mythical door really. You go out into the now pouring rain into the back yard and up the stairs leading to the deck which has a set of patio doors into the master bedroom. As you race up the stairs you think of two things, 1- even if by some miracle the door isn't obstructed (see point 2) you realize that you are on the wrong side of the door to apply pressure to swing it open- as you know that sliding patio doors and the ingenious person who invented them, created the outside set to be FLUSH so that people can't break in!! You'd think they'd have some heart for the lonely occupants of the house!! And 2- you know that when your Dad meticulously combed over your house to make sure that every nook and cranny was locked down you recall him saying something about laying one of those steel-extendable-pipe-that-will-only-release-from-the-correct-side-of-the-door-thingys at some point of the door ..so only if by some miracle it's fallen from exhaustion (can inert things get exhausted?!) you know that you have a better chance of making a snowball in hell...but still it's the last possible door, so you vainly try to open it.
Now before you really panic, first you feel the need to see if any of your kooky neighbours (cuz you KNOW the freak watched the whole thing from her bathroom window- she probably filmed it and took photos too...freak!) are watching your bizarre attempts into the house. You sulk your way off the deck, down the stairs and walk back to door #2.
This has got to be the best part to enter. You start to think about how much damage a little old used front door could do- I mean, who really cares about this door? Hmm?? So you pull on it again. And you pull and pull and pull with all your might...it feels like the veins in your neck, face and forehead are about to pop.
You release the door. . . Stupid door with it's 10 cent lock that's probably so old it actually is made out of steel- - and holding on to what you hoped was water-logged-old-driftwood! You look at the hinges.. A-ha! The screws are facing you!! YEAH! Ok, so all you need is a square screw driver...which is safely tucked away in the LOCKED garage!! Ok- don't panic.
You start to pace the back porch...at least you know you've got a stash of yummy Christmas cookies in the freezer back here...and you have cans of Coke in the fridge. Thank GOD your Italian and have two sets of appliances! Back to reality..your not going to be out here that long! Besides, convientley on your key ring is a beautiful key to your sisters house that will offer you warmth and comfort...but no food as she doesn't cook and cleans out the fridge before long vacations!
You start to move some of the old paint stuff away from the back room window-- wait!-- the back room window has little cubed windows under it that open to the back room! Salvation!! You move obstacles out of your way, and wiggle one side of the window open...good! One arm, your head, and another arm...and that's it...this window is made for midgets!! Who can fit through this window?!? Why is the universe conspiring against you!? As you sit their with your chin jammed into your armpits you realize that not only are you never going to pass through here, but should you cause any stress on the frame what-so-ever the HUGE bay window above you will come crashing down. So- you stop...and remove yourself. You think about borrowing the small child from next door and pushing him through...but once you do that..he'll never reach the latch on that damn screen door! So you slide the windows shut and clean up the paint stuff you've knocked over. And that's when you see it...glowing like a vision from heaven... the plaster cowl that your brother-in-law so graciously has left in the paint supply box on your back porch.
Now, you've got a plan...stick the broom handle through the door handle to make a larger area to grab as you pull the door open as wide as you possibly can and with the cowl slide it up as close to the latch as possible then release the door pressure and force the cowl up until the latch unhooks *said in all one breath*....it should work right?!
Well, guess what! IT DID! You never heard anything so sweet as the clink when that little piece of titanium (it must be!) hits the door.
You open the door as if welcoming royalty. Your in! In is such a great place to be..you never thought you wanted to be in so badly...and yet here you are basking in the glory! Alright so that last one was just a pun..but you get the idea.
The door actually locks behind you...very cool. And you make your way into the kitchen to look at the time...from arriving home to getting inside..Lapsed time 43 minutes.
1 Comments:
OH MY GOD.............. I cannot believe this!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA
I was laughing my ASS OFF bigtime! This could only happen to you Geek, only to you! At least you know you had a microwave with popcorn at my house if you got desperate!!! HHAHAHA
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