Didn't go to Florida? Here's what you're missing.
* copied from St. Catharines Standard by William Thomas
Florida - "The Sunshine State" is a peninsula surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico and populated by the freakiest people this side of Saturn. In a state that spawns more bizarre behaviour than an albino rhino on a date-rape drug, last week Florida crossed the line of wierdness.
No, it wasn't the burglar in Jacksonville who returned to the scene of the crime to retrive his wallet or the two thieves in Pensacola who stole a car from a gas station and returned an hour later for a fill up, or even the guy in Key West who robbed a bank with a pitch fork.
It wasn't the drunk in Monroe County who streaked across a parking lot and hopped into a friend's car, but got the wrong car, or even the guy who attended a Jacksonville costume party as a Drunk Man in a beer can suit and got so intoxicated he wound up in a fist fight with the Green Hornet.
No, it wasn't the police in St. Petersburg who handcuffed an unruly five-year-old in front of her kindergarten class, or even the gun-weilding police in Broward County who burst into the middle of a funeral ceremony to arrest the deceased's grandson, but got the wrong guy.
It wasn't the church in Jacksonville where they banned low-hanging pants and gold-capped teeth, or the church in Port Charlotte where the minister had police arrest 16 members of his congregation who refused to stop singing so he could begin his sermon.
No, it wasn't at Starbucks in Jacksonville where a customer left a half gram of marijuana as a tip and was arrested when he came back in a day later, or at the home of O.J. Simpson where police arrived on a tip that his girlfriend was beating him up, only to find an illegal satellite hook-up and ordered him to pay $25 000 or even in the women's washroom in Tampa, where two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrrested for assult after having sex in one of the stalls.
It wasn't the 911 calls after hurricane Wilma in which people were cooking inside with charcoal grills, falling off roofs while doing repairs, pouring gasoline into generators while they were still running and putting cigarette lighters down into gas tanks in order to see the fuel levels.
It's wasn't that non-native Burmese python in Miami that swallowed a 15 pound Siamese cat, or the one that ate a six-foot-long alligator, then burst open, or the one that slithered into a barn and swallowed a turkey but was caught because it couldn't fit back through the slates in the poultry pen.
And it wasn't the woman stopped at customs with an endangered parrott concealed in her bra, or even the 93 year old man who pulled up to a toll booth on Interstate 275 in St. Petersburg with a dead body lodged in his windsheild...but we're getting very, very close.
No, not the off duty cop who saved a cat by shooting the dog that was chasing it, or even the woamn who shot the neighbour's Chihuahua, saying she was afraid it might attack her.
No, the big hand on the clock of strange struck midnight Thursday, Feb. 9th when Customs and Border Protection screeners at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport stopped 30 year old Myrlene Severe, a U.S. resident returning from her native Haiti.
I imagine the conversation went something like this. . .
"Any tobacco or alcohol?"
"No."
"Firearms?"
"No."
"Citrus fruit or exotic plants?"
"No."
"You don't have a parrott in your bra because that lady over there..."
"No."
"Wild guess: you wouldn't happen to have a human head in your bag, would you?"
"Could you be a little more specific?"
Myrlene Severe is facing charges of failing to declare a human head and transporting hazardous material in air commerce, which carries a penalty of 15 years in prison if convicted.
The head, with teeth, hair and skin still intact, was to be used in a voodoo ceremony to ward off evil spirits. So said the holder of the head.
I suppose she could say she just forgot to declare the human head because she became distracted by the woman in line in front of her whose left breast kept screaming "Polly Wanna Cracker>"
Police were unable to identify the victim. However they did confirm that although he visited Haiti the previous week, it was not the head of Brad Pitt. They don't make bags that big.
And it wasn't O.J. Simpson's head because what comes around doesn't go around that quickly.
And it wasn't that of newly elected President Rene Preval, because it was just a human head and not a head of state.
Police back in Haiti have been told to be on the look out for a man walking around in a confused state with no place to but his ball cap.
You know, once, upon re-entering Canada, I smuggled in an extra bottle of scotch and by the time I got to the Custom's counter, my palms were so sweaty I could hardly keep a grip on my bag.
I don't think I could get away with smuggling in a human head. I'd be a mess- I'd have to declare it.
"OK, no cigars, no contraband, anything at all to declare?"
"Ah, well...what do you mean?"
"I mean do you have anything on you that you'd like to declare?"
"Ah, well...yeah. You see, I got some guy's noggin in my backpack, but before you get all uptight about it, I have been out of the country for more than seven days, the head has a valid passport clipped to one ear and I won't be taking it to visit a farm any time soon."
"Okay, go ahead."
Florida- Disney World for deviants.
Florida - "The Sunshine State" is a peninsula surrounded by the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico and populated by the freakiest people this side of Saturn. In a state that spawns more bizarre behaviour than an albino rhino on a date-rape drug, last week Florida crossed the line of wierdness.
No, it wasn't the burglar in Jacksonville who returned to the scene of the crime to retrive his wallet or the two thieves in Pensacola who stole a car from a gas station and returned an hour later for a fill up, or even the guy in Key West who robbed a bank with a pitch fork.
It wasn't the drunk in Monroe County who streaked across a parking lot and hopped into a friend's car, but got the wrong car, or even the guy who attended a Jacksonville costume party as a Drunk Man in a beer can suit and got so intoxicated he wound up in a fist fight with the Green Hornet.
No, it wasn't the police in St. Petersburg who handcuffed an unruly five-year-old in front of her kindergarten class, or even the gun-weilding police in Broward County who burst into the middle of a funeral ceremony to arrest the deceased's grandson, but got the wrong guy.
It wasn't the church in Jacksonville where they banned low-hanging pants and gold-capped teeth, or the church in Port Charlotte where the minister had police arrest 16 members of his congregation who refused to stop singing so he could begin his sermon.
No, it wasn't at Starbucks in Jacksonville where a customer left a half gram of marijuana as a tip and was arrested when he came back in a day later, or at the home of O.J. Simpson where police arrived on a tip that his girlfriend was beating him up, only to find an illegal satellite hook-up and ordered him to pay $25 000 or even in the women's washroom in Tampa, where two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrrested for assult after having sex in one of the stalls.
It wasn't the 911 calls after hurricane Wilma in which people were cooking inside with charcoal grills, falling off roofs while doing repairs, pouring gasoline into generators while they were still running and putting cigarette lighters down into gas tanks in order to see the fuel levels.
It's wasn't that non-native Burmese python in Miami that swallowed a 15 pound Siamese cat, or the one that ate a six-foot-long alligator, then burst open, or the one that slithered into a barn and swallowed a turkey but was caught because it couldn't fit back through the slates in the poultry pen.
And it wasn't the woman stopped at customs with an endangered parrott concealed in her bra, or even the 93 year old man who pulled up to a toll booth on Interstate 275 in St. Petersburg with a dead body lodged in his windsheild...but we're getting very, very close.
No, not the off duty cop who saved a cat by shooting the dog that was chasing it, or even the woamn who shot the neighbour's Chihuahua, saying she was afraid it might attack her.
No, the big hand on the clock of strange struck midnight Thursday, Feb. 9th when Customs and Border Protection screeners at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport stopped 30 year old Myrlene Severe, a U.S. resident returning from her native Haiti.
I imagine the conversation went something like this. . .
"Any tobacco or alcohol?"
"No."
"Firearms?"
"No."
"Citrus fruit or exotic plants?"
"No."
"You don't have a parrott in your bra because that lady over there..."
"No."
"Wild guess: you wouldn't happen to have a human head in your bag, would you?"
"Could you be a little more specific?"
Myrlene Severe is facing charges of failing to declare a human head and transporting hazardous material in air commerce, which carries a penalty of 15 years in prison if convicted.
The head, with teeth, hair and skin still intact, was to be used in a voodoo ceremony to ward off evil spirits. So said the holder of the head.
I suppose she could say she just forgot to declare the human head because she became distracted by the woman in line in front of her whose left breast kept screaming "Polly Wanna Cracker>"
Police were unable to identify the victim. However they did confirm that although he visited Haiti the previous week, it was not the head of Brad Pitt. They don't make bags that big.
And it wasn't O.J. Simpson's head because what comes around doesn't go around that quickly.
And it wasn't that of newly elected President Rene Preval, because it was just a human head and not a head of state.
Police back in Haiti have been told to be on the look out for a man walking around in a confused state with no place to but his ball cap.
You know, once, upon re-entering Canada, I smuggled in an extra bottle of scotch and by the time I got to the Custom's counter, my palms were so sweaty I could hardly keep a grip on my bag.
I don't think I could get away with smuggling in a human head. I'd be a mess- I'd have to declare it.
"OK, no cigars, no contraband, anything at all to declare?"
"Ah, well...what do you mean?"
"I mean do you have anything on you that you'd like to declare?"
"Ah, well...yeah. You see, I got some guy's noggin in my backpack, but before you get all uptight about it, I have been out of the country for more than seven days, the head has a valid passport clipped to one ear and I won't be taking it to visit a farm any time soon."
"Okay, go ahead."
Florida- Disney World for deviants.
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